There’s a phenomenon that happens with me where people, in general, seem to have a hard time seeing me as separate from themselves. Now, I realize a different version of me exists for every person who knows me, and another version of me exists for myself (and I do have Neptune conjunct both my Sun and retrograde Mercury) but what I mean here is something else. Almost without fail the people I come into contact with seem to assume I value what they value and I want (or should want) what they want. Sometimes I feel like a literal version of the joke, where when a stranger talks to you, you’re supposed to lean in and whisper, “Wait, you can see me?” Because most people don’t really see me. They assume their motives, are also my motives. Their desires, are also my desires. Their intentions, are also my intentions. This is almost always not the case, yet they continue to see what they want, or assume, me to be, rather than the person I actually am, a completely separate and sentient being that exists in the world independent from them, with my own completely unique thoughts, motivations, and values.

Artists I’ve known, have told me I should be an artist. School teachers have told me I should teach. My bosses at almost every job I’ve ever had, always think I should work at moving up, because money and advancement is what they want. Ambitious friends have told me I should work more and be more ambitious. A woman with social anxiety accused me of having social anxiety. I’ve had clergy tell me I should become clergy. I’ve had a philosophy professor tell me I should be a philosopher. Those who value material things have said I’m materialistic. Controlling acquaintances think I’m controlling. I’ve had shamans tell me I am, and should be a shaman. Astrologers have told me I should be an astrologer. Psychics have said I should be a psychic. A codependent told me I’m codependent. I’ve had a martial arts instructor (and a few of his students) push me to teach martial arts. One woman even went as far as to tell the instructor and other students that’s what I wanted, because she wanted that for me. Shy friends think I’m shy. Theater geeks have said I should consider acting. Therapists and counselors think I should become a therapist. Writers think I should be a writer, though many of them also think that writing is only really art if it’s fiction. People in charge think I want to be in charge. My parents always seemed to think I should want the life they wanted. Healers think I should be a healer. Power hungry people think I want power. Addicts, alcoholics, and those with mental illness have told me throughout my life I am ‘an Angel’ (their words, not mine) and seem to be under the impression I was put on this earth to ‘save them.’ (again, their words) And yeah, I know, that’s a lot, and it’s a lot to experience too, and it continues to happen, over and over again.

What all of these people have in common, is none of them ever wonder what I want, or who I am, or what is important to me. And whenever I volunteer this information, and tell them I don’t want what they want, they always look at me suspiciously, like either they don’t believe me, or as if I have revealed myself to be an alien and announced that it is my life’s goal to become a professional unicorn. It doesn’t compute. They can’t fully process that my thoughts, values, and motivations could be so different from theirs. Then, when I persist in what they often consider my “strange delusions” about what’s really important to me, they get frustrated (sometimes downright hostile) and I get accused of not being at all who they thought I was!

I’m aware though, as a neurodivergent person, my differences in social interactions can read like an ‘open season’ sign for narcissists, sociopaths, and abusers. However, I’m also aware of what percentage of the population these groups make up, and I encounter them far too often to be mathematically probable. Also, because I’m neurodivergent, what I am thinking, is often not what others are thinking, and neurotypical social games like boasting, being self deprecating, or jockeying for social status, aren’t games I’m playing either. But because this happens so often, I make it a point to know myself very well, and I’m careful to explicitly and repeatedly tell people who I am, because I know ahead of time, our relationship, and whether or not we will even be able to have one, will depend in large part on the other person’s willingness to believe me.

One of the closest artistic depictions of this phenomenon I’ve run across yet is this: there’s a movie called Hereafter and there’s a scene where one of the main character’s, George, very reluctantly does a psychic reading for a girl in his cooking class, because he knows she won’t stop hounding him until he does, and their relationship immediately changes, and he knows, without doubt that it’s over, and any chance he had of enjoying or getting anything he needed from that relationship has vanished. I too have experienced that. But when I watched it for the first time, the reason I had to shut it off and finish it later, is because I couldn’t stop sobbing. Because finally, I knew someone else out there gets it. The person who wrote that character understands what it’s like to not be seen. No one in that movie gives any kind of thought to who George is, or what George wants. All they see is George’s ‘gift’ and what they all think he should do with it, for them, and for others. George didn’t sign up for that. George didn’t go to classes to try and become psychic. George didn’t go to school to become a therapist. George had his ability and all of the expectations that came with it, thrust upon him. It’s not George’s “responsibility” to “hold space” for every person who thinks they “need” something from him. All George seems to want is real, normal, relationships, that provide the kind of connection that is meaningful to him. George wants a life too. And it’s the one thing those around him can’t seem to care about, or even see.

To an extent, we are all reflections of each other and reflections of divinity, but we are also here to have a human experience, and the human experience I am choosing to have right now is as a separate, self contained being. I, like everyone else, am capable of being a mirror, but that is not the whole of what I am. It is okay for me to exist for me. It is okay if I don’t want what you want. It is okay if I don’t value what you value, and it is okay if I choose to live my life in a way that makes sense to literally no one but me. And all these things are just fine for you too! So whatever it is you might think of me, whatever impression you have gotten (good or ill) please know, I will very likely not (nor possibly ever) conform to that expectation.